Mom; I’m sorry I lit you on fire

LexmarkAIOScan14I am participating in a 6-week online course called “Finding Your Calling.” I love it, but I also like to tease it. Each week it starts with a meditation. I lay down, get quiet, and try very hard not to get distracted by the cheerios under my table, the ongoing Target list in my head, and the fodder. Oh, come on! Your yogi’s voice has never quite suddenly morphed into Zach Galifianakis’s saying “step into the blue light?” You’ve never riffed on “release yourself into the space?” I admit, I had to suppress giggles recently when told to “let go of my fruits” in yoga class.  What does that mean? And how did “juicy” enter yogi vocab? But, civility wins out (except if I am with my old friend, Molly, the elusive and cunning Jokestress that destroys my every attempt at maturity).

The truth is, in fact, it takes guided meditation, at least eight miles of running, paying a therapist, or a long road trip for me to hear myself think these days. I have been a stay-at-home mom for five years. I have not loved every minute but I am proud of my work here and I will look back fondly on my privilege to spend so much time with my babies. But now the purse strings are tight and I feel this need to contribute to society as a whole again. And, perhaps exercise the part of my brain that can do stats beyond the chances the tooth fairy is visiting on any given night in a house with three children.

One of my kids lit my hair on fire today. Since I decided to stay home with my three boys and my parents tarted having health problems, I have called myself a specialist in “taking care of humans and putting out fires,” but I didn’t mean it literally.

It was not his intention to light mama on fire. He meant to spray the baking sheet with oil for me when we were making cookies. He sprayed south, the bottle pointed north, I leaned in toward the lit stove and kaplooey–the oil completed the arc from hair to flame. I suddenly realized I could happily spend a little more time in an office with grown ups.

I poke fun, but I do feel like I have an unmet calling out there I cannot figure out. My dog, my first born, is 15.  I am trying to learn something from him while he is still here with me. We are oddly similar aside from our coloring. He howls, I sing. He is a herder, I am a caretaker. He loves puppies, I love babies. He protects his flock; I’m into public health. He also loves running through the woods and jumping in creeks and is always banged up and bruised from playing really hard. I can’t say I mind that either.

All of these things come together in this absolute gem of a dog. In me, however? I am a mom who is often asked to volunteer for causes, loves giving advice and problem solving and would consider policy work if I didn’t also love writing so much and being outside and I would love to hold your infant and help you figure out your latch problems as well as perhaps be with you at your birth as long as I can be home to get my kids off the bus and I don’t have to sit very much.

I would have made a better dog.

So, I opening my mind to my juicy self today. I have been advised by a “coach” to go outside, sit, listen and attempt to quiet my mind for fifteen minutes. Gebo does that. And my hair smells too bad to be inside. I’ll give it a try and let you know if I see the blue light.

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3 thoughts on “Mom; I’m sorry I lit you on fire

  1. Christine says:

    my older son left last month to go to college in another country, nine hours time difference. i forget sometimes that he’s not coming home for dinner and burst into tears.

    I never really believed those days that seemed unending would indeed end.

    Like

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